Q. Some of the girls in our bungalow colony have been friends for years. While they aren’t physically hurting my daughter, they consistently exclude her from their activities and conversations, especially during Shabbat afternoons and in the evenings. This is difficult for her because there are only a few girls her age in the colony, and finding another group to connect with is limited. My neighbor mentioned this behavior might be considered bullying, which has me confused. My Question: These girls seem like basically nice girls individually, but their consistent exclusion hurts my daughter. Can excluding someone be considered bullying, even if there’s no physical aggression? I’m unsure how to approach this situation. The Blur Between “Nice” and “Mean” Bullying This is a great question! Many people wonder if bullying is limited to “mean” kids. Let’s explore what bullying truly is. Bullying involves intentional and repeated actions meant to harm, hurt, or cause fear or anxiety. There’s often an imbalance of power, where the bully might be stronger, older, more popular, or have more friends. Bullying can be physical (pushing, tripping), verbal (insults, embarrassing), or social (excluding, ignoring). Social bullying, like excluding your daughter, can be especially painful because we are inherently social beings and thrive on connection. Feeling left out can be isolating and emotionally draining. Q Empathy in the Age of Selfies: Can Kids Still Learn to Care?’ A. Building Empathy: At Home and in the Classroom While these girls may not mean to be hurtful, excluding your daughter is causing her pain. We all have a responsibility to consider the impact of our actions on others. This ability to understand and share the feelings of another person is called empathy, and it’s a skill we can teach children from a young age. Empathy: Beyond Kindness: Empathy goes beyond simply being nice. It requires us to step outside our comfort zone and see things from another’s perspective. Even kind people can bully if they’re not mindful of how their actions might affect others. While even toddlers may exhibit basic forms of empathy, it’s around age four that children truly begin to develop an awareness of others’ emotions and perspectives. But it’s never too early to model kindness and sensitivity. As Haim Ginott famously observed, “Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression. Treat a child as though he is already the person he is capable of becoming.” Have you ever been appalled to see your child ridicule how someone looks or acts? Instead of lashing out or criticizing when your child shows insensitivity, consider a more positive approach: Model Understanding: Show patience and try to understand the root of your child’s behavior. Are they frustrated? Confused? Just not thinking? Explain Correct Behavior: Use gentle guidance to explain how their actions might affect others. Research shows that children with strong empathy skills tend to thrive in school, navigate social situations more effectively, and even build stronger adult careers and relationships.

After giving a lecture about the issue of bullying at school, a mother approached me and asked, “One of our kids bullies the other kids in the family. But my husband says he’ll probably grow out of it, and I shouldn’t worry about it. Do you think this is this something to be concerned about?” That’s a fantastic question, and one many parents grapple with. It’s true, some dismiss bullying behavior within families as harmless sibling rivalry, hoping kids will “grow out of it.” However, renowned psychologist John Gottman highlights a crucial point: a child’s social skills are the strongest predictor of their future well-being. How a child interacts socially with other children can predict the type of adults they will become.  Let’s explore why addressing bullying at home is important and offer some tips for parents: Why You Should Be Concerned: What Parents Can Do: Remember, addressing bullying behavior early on can create a more positive and nurturing environment for all your children. And don’t we want our all our children to grow up to be kind, compassionate and empathic adults?

Q “I know bullying is bad, but isn’t it just part of growing up? After all, everyone gets bullied at some point in their childhood. And I heard that a bit of stress is actually good for you.” A You’re right that a bit of stress can be good for you but there are various kinds of stress. Remember the kind of stress that made you study harder for a test, push your limits on the balancing beam, or master that tricky jump rope routine? That’s the good stuff, the kind that helps us learn and grow. But if you’re thinking that bullying isn’t that kind of stress, you’re right!  Because bullying is not a normal part of growing up. It’s toxic behavior that we need to address to help our children thrive. Think about it. Being called names in the hallway isn’t the same as the nervous flutter before taking a final exam. Getting tripped in the lunchroom isn’t the same as the focused tension the first time riding a bike without training wheels. Positive stress is occasional, predictable, and under control, such as studying for an exam. Bullying, however, is usually constant, unpredictable, and out of control. It’s like living in a minefield, never knowing when the next explosion will happen. Now, imagine being a kid facing that every day. The pressure to fit in, the fear of being targeted, the feeling of being alone – that’s toxic stress no child should have to deal with. It can lead to anxiety, depression, even physical problems. So, let’s not sugarcoat it. Bullying isn’t healthy stress, it’s harmful and unacceptable., and we need open communication to confront this harmful behavior and create safe school environments where every kid feels safe and supported. Not only that, but did you know that chronic bullying can have a serious impact on your child’s health? Researchers have reported that it is similar to the stress experienced by soldiers at the battlefront! When a child is bullied repeatedly, their body goes into “fight-or-flight” mode, releasing cortisol, a hormone that helps them cope with immediate threats. However, with prolonged bullying, cortisol levels stay elevated, leading to a cascade of negative effects. So keep your eyes open to the following symptoms which may be indicative of a bullying problem, Consequences of Chronic Stress: Signs to Watch For: Be mindful of changes in your child’s mood and physical well-being. These could be indicators of bullying and a cry for help: Imagine a child named Ethan who loved soccer. He used to eagerly practice every day and enjoyed playing with his teammates. However, recently, a group of older kids have been teasing him on the field, calling him names and taking the ball away. Ethan’s stomach starts to hurt before practice, he has trouble sleeping, and his grades have begun to slip. He’s lost interest in soccer, the activity he once loved. These changes in behavior could be signs of bullying and the stress it’s causing him. By recognizing these signs, you can intervene and support your child through this difficult experience. Talk to your child, let them know you’re there for them, and work with the school to address the bullying.

Does your child seem disinterested in school activities, hesitant to get together with friends, or even avoid participating in family outings? It’s easy to jump to conclusions – laziness, self-centeredness, or lack of motivation. But what if the root cause is something deeper? The Power of Connection: Self-Determination Theory, developed by psychologists Deci and Ryan, proposes that three core needs fuel motivation for both children and adults: Autonomy, Competence, and Relatedness. We can think of these as the “Three C’s”: Choice, Capable, and Connection. Feeling connected, or having a sense of belonging, is critical. Imagine being part of a team or family where you feel valued and appreciated. This naturally motivates you to contribute. Conversely, a lack of connection leaves you feeling invisible and unappreciated. It’s no surprise then, that participation dwindles. The Choice Connection: Let’s break down “connection” further. When children are consistently told what to do without any say, they don’t feel capable or valued. This isn’t about running your family as a democracy, but rather offering choices within set parameters. Would your child prefer art, music, or sports lessons? Bedtime with a story or without? At work, it translates to involving employees in decision-making processes. Empowering Choice for Connection: Think about this scenario: a child with no control over their daily routine – what to wear, what to eat. At work, imagine constant micromanagement with no room for independent decision-making. In both cases, the individual feels incapable and undervalued. When faced with tasks requiring personal effort, like a school project or a work meeting, motivation plummets. The same applies to older siblings. Treating them the same as younger siblings, ignoring their increased maturity and capability, can lead to a sense of disconnection. Their lack of cooperation might be a cry for recognition, not laziness. Unmotivated or Unconnected? So, when your child seems unmotivated at school or disinterested in family activities, consider the “connection” factor. By understanding the power of connection and offering choices within boundaries, you can foster a sense of belonging and increase their motivation. School Woes and Feeling Left Out: If your child lacks motivation for school activities, consider if they might feel excluded. Are there cliques or instances of ostracization? Remember, feeling connected fuels motivation. Connection Matters Most: Of the “Three C’s,” connection holds the most power. It can trump even the allure of a paycheck. People might leave a higher-paying job if they feel ignored or invisible, while staying happily in a lower-paying role where they feel valued and connected. Helping Gifted Children: Skipping academically advanced children to a higher grade might seem like a good idea initially. However, social acceptance from older classmates is less likely. Enriching the child’s current curriculum with differentiated, accelerated assignments might be a better solution, allowing them to stay connected with their peers. The Bottom Line: By recognizing the importance of connection and offering opportunities for your child to feel capable and valued, you can unlock their intrinsic motivation and foster their growth. Remember, happy and connected children are more likely to be motivated and engaged.

Malka Miller still keeps a collection close to her heart – the stories of people she’s known who were the unfortunate targets of bullying during their childhood years. For instance, there’s Bonnie (the names and places in the stories have been changed to respect the contributor’s anonymity), who nowhas both grown children and grandchildren, but still remembers vividly her 10th grade experiences over 30 years ago. Bonnie was repeatedly bullied and embarrassed in front of other students on her way to school. Even more painful than the embarrassment for Bonnie was the fact that no one who witnessed her being bullied came to her aid or protested the way she was being treated. Malka Miller, MEd, MSEd, founded a school program called Team Magic. The program tries to address the root causes behind the behavior of both the bully and the one being bullied, by teaching conflict resolution skills. “My program starts in the younger grades and it teaches students skills in a fun and easy way,” Miller told The Jewish Press. “Unfortunately, a lot of the traditional training is somewhat ineffective and sometimes can cause even more pain for the target of the bully and doesn’t really help the situation. At Team Magic, there is no emphasis on one child being more dysfunctional than the other – there is no blaming or shaming a child for their behavior, and labels like “you’re the victim” or “you’re the bully” are strictly avoided. “I find when you label students you can’t help them,” Miller said. “In mypersonal experience I found these labels limited my ability to help a child get into a better mindset.” Miller said that while it may be easy to point out a bully’s unhealthy behavior, in reality the person being bullied is also grappling with how to communicate their feelings in the situation, and require guidance as well. Miller, who has over 30 years of experience as a teacher, a principal and a teacher’s trainer, said the key to Team Magic is teaching all children to have a greater sense of empathy towards each other. And while it’s true some children may be born with a kinder demeanor than others, empathy is not something automatically obtained at birth – nor should its absence be considered a personality flaw. “Empathy is just like learning to read: it takes repeated training and reviewing,” Miller said. “There may be stronger neuro connections in the brain of a child who is naturally kind, but ultimately any child can be taught how to be more empathetic.” It’s important for a parent to foster a good connection with their child; otherwise, if the child feels vulnerable, they may not feel supported enough to share with the parent. Parents are key to teaching their children self-esteem – which is critical for a child to ultimately withstand and recover from the emotional effects of being bullied. “Just like you stood up for yourself, it’s very important to teach students to stand up for themselves as well – and to learn things they can say or do to a bully that will diffuse the situation instantly.” In her book, Connect Four: A Strategy Manual for Parents and Teachers, Miller guides the parent on how to create this connection – step by step. “Any time a child is “too something” – too skinny, too overweight, too tall, too short – the child can become the blunt of some kind of joke. So, I think it’s important for parents to help strengthen their kid’s self-confidence. Encourage them; don’t approach the child as though the child had done something to invite being bullied. Miller said she personally experienced an encounter with a teacher who commented on a child being bullied for the unique type of boots she wore to school, “If the girl wouldn’t wear such funny boots she wouldn’t be laughed at.” Miller believes schools must train their teachers to be empathetic and to enforce policies that say ‘there is zero tolerance for bullying of any kind in their school environment.’ “The main goal (at Team Magic) is for the student being bullied to use verbal skills that do not further antagonize the bully, but also allows the child to save face, turn around, and walk away. Because ultimately a bully is just looking to have fun with this person at their expense, and if the child can diffuse this possibility in the very beginning, the bully is likely to look for another target or hopefully give up altogether. “Never tell your child to bully or insult back, because the bully wants to have fun, and will definitely have the last word. Don’t try to convince them or argue your point. Respond to a bully’s taunts with simple answers, such as, “Thanks for letting me know about that” and then turning and walking away. Many studies have confirmed that adults can experience long-term depression as a result of being bullied as a child. I personally related to Bonnie’s story of being bullied and feeling alone. I remember my first year in middle school. We moved to a new community and we were the only Black family that Iknew of. I was shocked when a car passing by while I was walking to school one morning thought it was no big deal to roll down their window and scream at me “n—r!” even though I was clearly no more than 12 or 13 years old. Despite that, I was excelling in my new school, attending advanced classes,and I had gathered attention as an aspiring artist. I drew a large urban mural that won an art competition in the local newspaper, and out of school pride, the school hung the large piece of artwork near theschool’s main entrance. Unfortunately, there was a large gang in the school, and several members of thegang took to teasing me for being Black in one of my classes. This went on nearly every day, to my embarrassment and frustration. Finally, I snapped. I

Children still in kindergarten or even younger form cliques and intentionally exclude others, say psychologists and educators who are increasingly noticing the behavior and taking steps to curb it. Special programs are popping up in elementary schools to teach empathy as a means of stemming relational aggression, a psychological term to describe using the threat of removing friendship as a tactical weapon. Children also are being guided in ways to stand up for themselves, and to help others, in instances of social exclusion. Though both boys and girls exhibit relational aggression, it is thought to be more common among girls because they are generally more socially developed and verbal than boys. “I think it’s remarkable that we’re seeing this at younger and younger ages,” said Laura Barbour, a counselor at Stafford Primary School in West Linn, Ore., who has worked in elementary schools for 24 years. “Kids forget about scuffles on the playground but they don’t forget about unkind words or being left out.” Relational aggression is a relatively new term in psychology, devised to distinguish it from physical aggression. There is no research showing that relational aggression is increasing or manifesting itself earlier, experts say. An increasing awareness of it, however, may be what’s fueling educators’ perception that it is starting earlier and becoming more common. Generally thought of as a middle-school phenomenon, relational aggression is less explored among young children. Experts say it often goes under the radar because it is harder to detect than physical aggression. The behavior is similar to verbal aggression but revolves around threatening the removal of a friendship. Examples include coercing other children not to play with someone else or threatening not to invite them to your birthday party if they don’t do what you want them to do. “It actually works so well because of the child’s limited cognitive abilities,” said Jamie Ostrov, an associate professor of psychology at the University at Buffalo, State University of New York. Dr. Ostrov, who has conducted observational studies of relational aggression in 3-to-5-year-olds, said he has detected signs of the behavior in children as young as 2½ years. It isn’t clear why some children are more inclined to relational aggression than others. There is evidence that children can learn these behaviors by observing parents or older siblings, as well as from media, Dr. Ostrov said. Unlike physical aggression, relational aggression increases with age, often peaking in middle school, said Charisse Nixon, chair of the psychology department at Penn State Erie. Some research indicates that girls are more affected than boys by relational aggression as they perceive it as more damaging to their social relationships, she said. Dr. Nixon’s research has found that an average of 50% of children and adolescents—grades five through 12—have experienced relational aggression at least monthly. About 7% of children report experiencing physical aggression on a daily or weekly basis. Experts say children engaging in high levels of relational aggression can have other conduct problems. It is also linked to health problems, such as depression and anxiety, Dr. Nixon said. Laurel Klaassen, a counselor at Sibley-Ocheyedan Elementary School in Sibley, Iowa, says she has seen first-grade girls make a list of who can play with whom at recess. “They’re already thinking at that age about being popular, being the queen of the classroom, or the queen of the playground and vying for that position,” said Ms. Klaassen. With boys, episodes of relational aggression seem to roll right off them, she said. “I’ve had girls that have come in and said to me, ‘I remember back in kindergarten when so-and-so did this to me.’ ” Mark Barnett, a developmental psychologist at Kansas State University, says affective empathy, or vicariously experiencing the emotions of someone else, is what needs to be encouraged to reduce relational-aggressive behavior. If a child does something negative to someone, the parent should say, “Imagine how it would feel if someone did that to you?” Dr. Barnett also recommends parents and teachers talk about feelings of characters during story time. They also need to model empathetic behavior. Steph Jensen, a presenter at “Mean Girls” seminars run by training group AccuTrain, of Virginia Beach, Va., said she has been seeing more participation from elementary-school teachers and counselors. And Simone Marean, executive director of the Girls Leadership Institute, a nonprofit based in Oakland, Calif., said the group started a program aimed at kindergarten and first-grade children addressing relational aggression three years ago in response to parent demand. Trudy Ludwig, a Portland, Ore.-based author of books on children’s social and emotional learning who does presentations at schools, said she engages in role playing with the children to teach them both empathy and how to stand up for themselves. Last week she read one of her books, “The Invisible Boy,” to kindergarten, first- and second-grade students at Sue Buel Elementary School in McMinnville, Ore., in a program funded by the PTA. The children were invited to insult Ms. Ludwig, as she showed them how to respond in a dignified and nonviolent way. In another role-play game, she demonstrated how to be a good bystander by comforting children who are bullied or including them in a group activity. “A lot of kids don’t understand that manipulating friendships and relationships is bullying and that’s what I’m trying to educate the kids and the staff about,” Ms. Ludwig said. When Ms. Ludwig asks students whether they find relational or physical aggression more hurtful, over 90% of the children will raise their hands for relational aggression, she said. “They’d rather be punched in the stomach,” she said. Experts say parent involvement is important. A 2012 study in the journal Early Child Development and Care found that parents of preschoolers believe children should seek out adult assistance for physical aggression but not relational aggression, which they think children should work out on their own. Samantha Parent Walravens, a mother of four children in Tiburon, Calif., said she was alarmed one day in January when her daughter Genevieve, a