Miri’s son had done well throughout fourth grade. He was a good student, managed his schoolwork, and seemed to be doing just fine. But now, in fifth grade, something had changed.
“None of the kids like me,” he told her. “They’re not nice to me on the bus. Even my rebbe doesn’t like me.”
Miri was concerned. She contacted his rebbe, hoping to understand what was happening. The rebbe was surprised by her concerns. He hadn’t noticed any problems and described him as a good student.
So what was going on?
Sometimes, the greatest struggles children face aren’t immediately visible to the adults around them. A child may not be experiencing obvious bullying or rejection, yet still feel disliked, left out, or somehow not good enough. When those feelings take hold, everyday interactions can begin to look like proof that nobody cares.
The way a child feels about himself can shape how he interprets the world around him.
I helped her understand how important it was to address not only the situations he described, but also the way he was beginning to see himself. We focused on strengthening his self-esteem, , and helping him develop a healthier inner voice.
One important area we explored was black-and-white thinking—the tendency to see situations in extremes. In a child’s mind, a classmate who doesn’t include him in a game may become proof that nobody likes him. A teacher who corrects his work may become a teacher who doesn’t like him at all.
When children think this way, they can miss the many possibilities that exist between the extremes.
I guided Miri to help him discover the gray areas of life. Most situations aren’t simply all good or all bad, and people don’t always fit neatly into categories of friends or enemies, kind or unkind, liked or disliked.
A classmate might be having a bad day. A friend might want to play with someone else occasionally without ending the friendship. A teacher might correct a student because he wants him to learn, not because he dislikes him.
These alternative explanations don’t mean that a child’s feelings are wrong or that unkind behavior should be ignored. Rather, they help a child understand that one unpleasant experience doesn’t necessarily tell the whole story.
We worked on practical activities she could do with him to build his self-worth and help him challenge his assumptions. Then they could explore questions such as:
- Could there be another explanation for what happened on the bus?
- Is it possible for someone to be upset with you sometimes and still like you?
- Does your rebbe act the same way to all the students? What examples might suggest that he does care about you?
The goal was to teach him to pause, examine his thoughts, and consider other possibilities before reaching a painful conclusion.
We also focused on recognizing his strengths, celebrating small successes, recalling positive interactions, and developing a daily habit of noticing what went well. These activities could help him build a more balanced picture of himself and his relationships.
Because building self-esteem isn’t about telling children they’re wonderful over and over again. It’s about helping them recognize their own abilities, develop confidence in their judgment, and learn that difficult experiences don’t define who they are.
When children learn to move beyond black-and-white thinking, they discover that there is room for disappointment without despair, disagreement without rejection, and mistakes without losing their sense of worth.
We cannot always control how others treat our children, but we can teach them to interpret their experiences more thoughtfully, respond to challenges more confidently, and recognize the many shades of gray that make up real life.
Sometimes, the most important work begins with helping a child understand that just because he feels disliked doesn’t mean he is disliked—and that even on the days when life feels difficult, he remains a person of value who deserves kindness, connection, and belonging.