Malka Miller still keeps a collection close to her heart – the stories of people she’s known who were the unfortunate targets of bullying during their childhood years. For instance, there’s Bonnie (the
names and places in the stories have been changed to respect the contributor’s anonymity), who now
has both grown children and grandchildren, but still remembers vividly her 10th grade experiences over 30 years ago. Bonnie was repeatedly bullied and embarrassed in front of other students on her way to school. Even more painful than the embarrassment for Bonnie was the fact that no one who witnessed her being bullied came to her aid or protested the way she was being treated.
Malka Miller, MEd, MSEd, founded a school program called Team Magic. The program tries to address the root causes behind the behavior of both the bully and the one being bullied, by teaching conflict resolution skills. “My program starts in the younger grades and it teaches students skills in a fun and easy way,” Miller told The Jewish Press. “Unfortunately, a lot of the traditional training is somewhat ineffective and sometimes can cause even more pain for the target of the bully and doesn’t really help the situation. At Team Magic, there is no emphasis on one child being more dysfunctional than the other – there is no blaming or shaming a child for their behavior, and labels like “you’re the victim” or “you’re the bully” are strictly avoided. “I find when you label students you can’t help them,” Miller said. “In my
personal experience I found these labels limited my ability to help a child get into a better mindset.” Miller said that while it may be easy to point out a bully’s unhealthy behavior, in reality the person being bullied is also grappling with how to communicate their feelings in the situation, and require guidance as well.
Miller, who has over 30 years of experience as a teacher, a principal and a teacher’s trainer, said the key to Team Magic is teaching all children to have a greater sense of empathy towards each other. And while it’s true some children may be born with a kinder demeanor than others, empathy is not something automatically obtained at birth – nor should its absence be considered a personality flaw. “Empathy is just like learning to read: it takes repeated training and reviewing,” Miller said. “There may be stronger neuro connections in the brain of a child who is naturally kind, but ultimately any child can be taught how to be more empathetic.”
It’s important for a parent to foster a good connection with their child; otherwise, if the child feels vulnerable, they may not feel supported enough to share with the parent. Parents are key to teaching their children self-esteem – which is critical for a child to ultimately withstand and recover from the emotional effects of being bullied. “Just like you stood up for yourself, it’s very important to teach students to stand up for themselves as well – and to learn things they can say or do to a bully that will diffuse the situation instantly.” In her book, Connect Four: A Strategy Manual for Parents and Teachers, Miller guides the parent on how to create this connection – step by step.
“Any time a child is “too something” – too skinny, too overweight, too tall, too short – the child can become the blunt of some kind of joke. So, I think it’s important for parents to help strengthen their kid’s self-confidence. Encourage them; don’t approach the child as though the child had done something to invite being bullied. Miller said she personally experienced an encounter with a teacher who commented on a child being bullied for the unique type of boots she wore to school, “If the girl wouldn’t wear such funny boots she wouldn’t be laughed at.” Miller believes schools must train their teachers to be empathetic and to enforce policies that say ‘there is zero tolerance for bullying of any kind in their school environment.’
“The main goal (at Team Magic) is for the student being bullied to use verbal skills that do not further antagonize the bully, but also allows the child to save face, turn around, and walk away. Because ultimately a bully is just looking to have fun with this person at their expense, and if the child can diffuse this possibility in the very beginning, the bully is likely to look for another target or hopefully give up altogether. “Never tell your child to bully or insult back, because the bully wants to have fun, and will definitely have the last word. Don’t try to convince them or argue your point. Respond to a bully’s taunts with simple answers, such as, “Thanks for letting me know about that” and then turning and walking away.
Many studies have confirmed that adults can experience long-term depression as a result of being bullied as a child. I personally related to Bonnie’s story of being bullied and feeling alone. I remember my first year in middle school. We moved to a new community and we were the only Black family that I
knew of. I was shocked when a car passing by while I was walking to school one morning thought it was no big deal to roll down their window and scream at me “n—r!” even though I was clearly no more than 12 or 13 years old. Despite that, I was excelling in my new school, attending advanced classes,
and I had gathered attention as an aspiring artist. I drew a large urban mural that won an art competition in the local newspaper, and out of school pride, the school hung the large piece of artwork near the
school’s main entrance. Unfortunately, there was a large gang in the school, and several members of the
gang took to teasing me for being Black in one of my classes. This went on nearly every day, to my embarrassment and frustration. Finally, I snapped. I grabbed the large trash can in the corner of the
classroom and, no longer caring about what consequences I might face from the gang later, I took the trash can and shoved it over the gang member’s head. It worked out that he fit quite nicely in the
can from head to toe. Some people laughed, but most of the kids in the class just stared in shock.
In hindsight, I guess I was in shock too. After the satisfaction of sticking up for myself, I went out to
the artwork I had created near the main entrance, ripped it to pieces and left it on the floor. To this day, I have no real emotions about the bullying or the artwork. Instead, where I feel pain, is when I picture the teacher in the class, who, every day, while I was being bullied and ridiculed, kept writing on the chalkboard, saying nothing – as though nothing was happening.
Bailey Huston is a coordinator at Pacer’s National Bullying Prevention Center (NBPC). Pacer Center has been around for over 40 years. “We’re an advocacy agency for families with kids with disabilities,” Huston told The Jewish Press. “Our bullying program came about in the early 2000s. We noticed an increase in calls from parents, and we noticed there weren’t a lot of resources for all kids in general, so we formed NBPC.”
The importance of NBPC can be seen in their numbers. In 2020, there were 1.5 million visits to their website. “The Center for Disease Control (CDC) does a student risk survey every two years,” Huston said. “They estimate 1 out of every 5 students experience bullying.” Both genders are significantly impacted by bullying; approximate 24% of all females experience some form of bullying (mostly social or emotional such as gossip or exclusion) and a slightly less 17% of all males (mostly physical bullying).
As mentioned earlier by Miller, bullying can impact a child’s mental and emotional health as well as their ability to learn, Huston confirmed. She pointed out bullying can cause a child to have a decrease in grades as anxiety can cause a lack of concentration or loss of interest in school – even increasing drop out potential. Meanwhile, a child can have health problems, real or fake (in order to avoid confrontation); they may report severe headaches, stomach aches, sleeping problems, low self-esteem and/or depression. A child might have feelings of not being safe, or wanting to self-isolate and in some cases, even retaliate by becoming a bully to others in an attempt to regain their feelings of personal power and control.
“If a child tells you he or she is experiencing bullying, chances are you’re the first person they’ve told,” Huston said. “So, it’s important to reinforce the message that they are not alone and you are there for them and together you will develop an action plan. But be sure to include them in the process – ask them what outcome they would like to see happen. Sometimes a parent wants to take charge and run with the situation – but including the child in the process helps them to regain a sense of personal power and control.”
Malka Miller said she suspects that bullying in the Jewish world is similar to what is experienced in the non-Jewish world, so we should not think that this is a problem our children ‘most likely will
never experience.’ “Bullying is bullying, and when it comes to a person’s personal experiences, there is no such thing as more severe or less severe. And the bottom line is every child deserves a good day in school and it really is up to the adults of every environment, be it at home or at school to create a safe and welcoming space to allow that to happen.”
Malka Miller is available to give workshops to school staff and/or parents about bullying and student social dynamics and as a consultant for bullying issues. Visit her website: myteammagic.com.